stardust

I was wrong, I am sorry. I looked for someone who could help me escape people, give me affection and give me love with you, but I guess truly, we never would’ve worked out. we weren’t the constellation I thought we were, the affection clouded my vision, it made me see rainbows and sunshine when there was only smoke and broken promises. you were but a fading star in my galaxy that was ever improving, but it got caught up on you and stopped advances. I’m sorry I couldn’t improve your galaxy, I’m sorry I’m a living star to your galaxy while you’re a dead star, long finished, in mine

unrequited

i told you that i loved you

said you didn’t feel the same.

my soul, it left my body,

no words left in this brain,

my heart told me it’s over,

and the sobs, they overcame.

the moon saw me once more

pleading desperately to the stars,

wishing, hoping, for one more day

where you were more than just a scar.

the next day came, the sun, she rose.

my tears have stopped, supposedly so.

i wish i was yours, but that i’ve shared.

i’d much rather be friends than you not be there.

cosmos

your hand brushed mine

and it stopped the time and space

that you created.

you hung the stars and sent glimmers

to the fireflies that reflect in your eyes.

you dropped the sun and raised the moon,

day in, day out,

each day a new day

for me to long for your hand

in mine,

our lips,

intertwined,

the world to stop spinning,

for time to stop moving,

and let me melt with you,

mixing our energies,

our emotions,

our hands and feet and arms and legs

until there’s no other choice

but to let the lack of gravity take its course

and float into space,

holding each other.

i love you cosmically,

i love you universally,

i would build galaxies for you,

take you among the stars,

love you among the comets,

live within the boundaries of absolute,

absolute infinity.

miles and miles and lightyears and lightyears

for us to explore

together.

i don’t want to see the stars if it isn’t with you.

you hung them for earth,

but mine hang for you.

16 hours

can you come down and stay with me?

i’m 16 hours away, but i feel like i’m still home.

i’m sharing a room with my family,

a bed with my sister,

and it’s driving me absolutely

the

walls.

i want to be alone.

i need to be alone.

but your company is needed too.

you’re so close to me

that it doesn’t matter if i share a room with you

or a bed

because you understand personal space

and me

and i need that

i need you.

thank you for being that way,

the way that i can’t really verbalize.

letting me feel alone in your company,

but not in a toxic way,

in a normal

loving way.

1:16

dear,

if only you knew the words i want to say to you. i think, maybe, you’d understand better. maybe, hopefully, it would help you see yourself in the light that i see you in.

so,

if i happen to fuck up and accidentally link you to this account before telling you, real you, that i’m in love with you, i hope you enjoy this. please don’t laugh. or bring it up. (unless you, too, happen to be in love with me).

you’re beautiful. but everyone says that to their lover. so i won’t. bill said it the best, “shall i compare thee to a summer’s day?”. he gets me.

you’re sunshine.

i hate the heat, but you make it bearable. your warm rays pull me into your embrace, and it’s so hot that it burns, but i don’t notice it until later. until my skin is scorched red because i got too close. it’s sort of like a punishment; i got too close to something i can’t have. as the impact, i don’t notice it until i’m alone, until i’m cold, and you’re not here.

you’re rain.

i adore rain. i adore you. you settle in around me, linger until you can’t take it anymore. and you release. you wash over me, you cleanse me, you dampen my clothes, drip dye from my scalp down my skin. but then, at the snap of a hand, you could destroy. you could kill. i don’t see you like that, though. because after everything you do, a rainbow follows behind.

there are so many more analogies i can compare you with, so many more seasons and weather patterns and astronomical features. but i won’t. because, no matter how hard i try, nothing will compare to you. you’re beyond description, beyond predication, everything about you is radiant.

l’appel du vide

i’m on the rooftop of a skyscraper.

the wind is howling from up here,

though to the city below me,

there isn’t breeze enough to startle a napkin.

i’ve always loved it up here.

from this high, you can see everything

but all i see is you.

i don’t know where you are in this world

but i feel you all around me;

you’re pumping the blood in my veins,

pushing fear in and out of my brain,

shaking my hands,

liquidizing my legs,

unleashing hoards of butterflies in my stomach.

you’re the blue mountains in the distance,

the pink in the sky,

the cotton candy clouds

that are filled with unshed tears.

you’re the streetlights down below,

the smell of coffee from the cafe on 3rd,

the smell of gasoline on 15th.

but most of all,

you’re the wind,

you’re talking to me,

you’re singing to me,

it’s beautiful,

you’re beautiful,

you’re chilly in all the best ways,

the best ways,

you’re all i see,

all i care for,

you’re everything,

you’re everywhere,

you’re surrounding me,

you’re going to catch me,

you’re surrounding me,

you promised you’ll catch me,

i’m falling

i’m falling.

brown eyes

is this what they mean when they say "in love"?
let me break it down-
i've had girls and boys, 
some who i liked,
some who i loved.
but you-
oh, dearest.
there are not enough words;
correction,
there are no words
to describe you correctly.
i've tried, so i'll try again, 
but if you read this, 
know i could never find enough to say.

dearest,
you.
you're not like them.
you make my heart sing, 
make my heart beat quicker for you.
you make the clouds clear, 
the flowers blossom,
you take my pain out of my chest and brain
and turn it into a paper ball;
crumpled, tossed into the waste bin.
your smile lights up my darkest corners,
your voice turns on the air for my heat.
your touch ignites the flame within me, 
and your words put me to rest.
i've sliced myself into shreds
but you've helped put me together. 
if a bandage dare fell off, 
you'd put on a new one, better. 

when you are hurting, i wish i could hold you,
push back your hair and dry your tears.
i wish to hold your hand to affirm you'll get better, 
but you're just my friend, so i know better.
when you're hurting, 
oh, it hurts me too.
someone so divine as you 
deserves nothing but the best. 

so tell me, is this "love"?
is this what all the movies mean?
all the old people sat with their lovers, 
scolding me over dried sponge cake?

if this is the love they assume i've never had,
i don't understand how they could fight their lover.
i can not fathom anything that would 
dare
cause me to raise my voice, 
or, worse, strike her. 

she is my best friend.
she is my person.
she is my love.
she is my world.

and, despite all of the above,
we are separate entities,
floating through time and space, 
together.

wholeheartedly yours

exchanging 'i love you' isn't uncommon for us. 
i mean it wholeheartedly when i tell you
i hope you do too.
i think you do too.

love is scary, for me. 
it comes naturally, like a tornado;
it happens, but acting upon it leaves much to be desired. 
i love with everything i have,
everything i am.
but i'm so used to it leaving me aching and painfully breathless
that love is scary for me
to perform the most important, 
most amazingly human thing.

i love love and love loves me, but i'm afraid to love you the way i want to.

the way i feel. 

i haven't felt this way in years.
i'm not sure if it's much more than being 
hopelessly romantic and touch starved,
but i've had an inkling for a year or so. 

maybe we aren't meant, romantically.
nor physically. 
possibly emotionally,
definitely platonically.

for you, i'll settle with that. 
for you, i'll settle for whatever you want.

i wholeheartedly believe you're my soulmate in one way or another.
(or both).
i can't think of a life without you and
quite realistically, honestly, 
i don't want to.
i can't. 
you're my best friend.
i love you.

in whatever way you please.