Tag: tw: self harm

death

i used to try

every night

to meet someone new

meet someone with a dark coat

hood pulled over eyes, over face,

holding a weapon as tall as he.

i would try

every night

because he was the one i knew

would not leave me.

he was the one

i could trust.

he was the one

i was not scared of.

he was the one

i craved.

not my girlfriend,

not my friends,

only him, only the one just out of grasp.

i’m scared of him now,

but i feel that it might be like

meeting an old friend, or

perhaps,

feeling alive again.

i’m terrified,

despite all that,

despite the scarred over memories of a

best friend that i never met.

i don’t want to die,

but he’s the only man i’ve ever trusted.

i don’t want to die,

but he’s the one thing that’s always there.

i don’t want to die,

but, someone save me,

i miss my friend.

16

i was sixteen

i was suicidal

i wasn’t driving

i wasn’t a good person.

you were sixteen

you were dealing with your own baggage

you learned to drive

you could never be a bad person.

i should have talked to you then.

told you what was happening

should have told you

you might lose your best friend.

was i still your best friend?

we hadn’t talked in god knows how long,

but you were still the

closest

thing to friendship that i had.

my girlfriend was just as bad as me,

my new friend turned out to emotionally fuck me over,

i didn’t talk to you,

or the other two girls from our middle school,

i didn’t talk to anyone

except those who were bad for me,

because i deserved it

even though i didn’t really.

it was the self hatred talking.

i was sixteen

i was harming myself to feel good.

i needed to talk to you

but you were too good for me.