to the horseman i have yet to meet

dear death,

when my time arrives,

let it be quick.

i don’t want the suffering,

or the tears,

or the please don’t go’s.

i will already be terrified, saddened,

so take me gently,

caress my cheek,

hold my hand to the journey into afterlife

or tell me it will be okay if there is not one.

i have tried meeting you before,

but i never succeeded.

our time will come one day,

which i hope is in a very long time now.

thank you for not coming for me

when i was inducing myself

to a life (or lack there of) i was not prepared for.

i understand it is your job.

i understand you must do this.

but for me,

make it painless,

fearless,

gentle and calm.

let my loved ones cry,

though not in sorrow,

but in joy that i can live a better life in the great beyond.

no one ever asks you about the job,

so perhaps you could enlighten me on the trip?

i would love to know,

tell me your stories,

your guilt, or whatever it is you feel,

tell me everything.

i am your vessel when the fated day arrives,

fill my body accordingly

and, too, let my bedside roses die.

depression

i feel my energy draining,

like lava from a volcano.

it began to flow this morning,

out of my brain,

down my ashy, blackened rocks,

burning and heavy,

oozing so slowly that i could easily catch it

if i could.

i could catch it if my bucket

didn’t have holes.

i could catch it

if i could get out of bed.

but it oozes,

slimes it’s way out,

globbing itself into clumps

that hurt to bypass.

my will to continue

oozes with it.

my body is shutting down,

but not really,

it’s working harder to keep me

a well working machine

in this corporate world.

nobody wants a machine with no juice,

but that’s what i’ve been granted

for all of my life.

the world is running windows 10,

i am running.

but i can’t catch up.

my body tries and tries to work,

tries so hard to keep me in stasis,

but good someone,

i am exhausted.

stasis is exhausting when you can’t be static

because stasis leaves you on edge,

but you can’t be mobile

because you’re too exhausted to breathe.

my body is a decaying machine

and the mechanic moved twelve states away.

i lost my charger,

the cord’s broke anyways,

i’m stuck in hibernation mode

and no ctrl alt del can fix this.

i’m due for an upgrade,

but there’s nothing new to buy.

my motherboard is failing,

but don’t tell me goodbye.

death

i used to try

every night

to meet someone new

meet someone with a dark coat

hood pulled over eyes, over face,

holding a weapon as tall as he.

i would try

every night

because he was the one i knew

would not leave me.

he was the one

i could trust.

he was the one

i was not scared of.

he was the one

i craved.

not my girlfriend,

not my friends,

only him, only the one just out of grasp.

i’m scared of him now,

but i feel that it might be like

meeting an old friend, or

perhaps,

feeling alive again.

i’m terrified,

despite all that,

despite the scarred over memories of a

best friend that i never met.

i don’t want to die,

but he’s the only man i’ve ever trusted.

i don’t want to die,

but he’s the one thing that’s always there.

i don’t want to die,

but, someone save me,

i miss my friend.

16

i was sixteen

i was suicidal

i wasn’t driving

i wasn’t a good person.

you were sixteen

you were dealing with your own baggage

you learned to drive

you could never be a bad person.

i should have talked to you then.

told you what was happening

should have told you

you might lose your best friend.

was i still your best friend?

we hadn’t talked in god knows how long,

but you were still the

closest

thing to friendship that i had.

my girlfriend was just as bad as me,

my new friend turned out to emotionally fuck me over,

i didn’t talk to you,

or the other two girls from our middle school,

i didn’t talk to anyone

except those who were bad for me,

because i deserved it

even though i didn’t really.

it was the self hatred talking.

i was sixteen

i was harming myself to feel good.

i needed to talk to you

but you were too good for me.