descend

you tell me goodnight and say that you’ll stay,

i tell you it’s fine, don’t go out of your way.

you kiss my forehead and down my neck,

i brace for the morning when there’s not a speck of you left in this bed.

but you’re kissing my chest now and it feels so nice

to be loved, to be touched, but it’s just a slice

of the attention i need, i crave, from you,

and now my sheets aren’t the only things blue;

your lips on my hips, my hands in your hair,

fuck, darling, i know that you won’t be there

in the morning, i need you, i love you, i do,

please, baby, just one night, one more, with you.

you’re kissing my thighs, my knees, my feet,

it tickles but i’m aching, your love a constant beat in my heart, in my head,

but i’m wishing i’d said

that i loved you, needed you, for more than this,

that i love you, i need you, for more than this bliss.

you come back up and kiss my lips;

a gentle declaration, and my stomach flips.

you lay down beside me and pull me in close,

tell me you won’t leave me, but it feels so morose.

when i wake, youll be gone, and i’ll be okay,

but one day i hope that you’ll actually stay.

to the horseman i have yet to meet

dear death,

when my time arrives,

let it be quick.

i don’t want the suffering,

or the tears,

or the please don’t go’s.

i will already be terrified, saddened,

so take me gently,

caress my cheek,

hold my hand to the journey into afterlife

or tell me it will be okay if there is not one.

i have tried meeting you before,

but i never succeeded.

our time will come one day,

which i hope is in a very long time now.

thank you for not coming for me

when i was inducing myself

to a life (or lack there of) i was not prepared for.

i understand it is your job.

i understand you must do this.

but for me,

make it painless,

fearless,

gentle and calm.

let my loved ones cry,

though not in sorrow,

but in joy that i can live a better life in the great beyond.

no one ever asks you about the job,

so perhaps you could enlighten me on the trip?

i would love to know,

tell me your stories,

your guilt, or whatever it is you feel,

tell me everything.

i am your vessel when the fated day arrives,

fill my body accordingly

and, too, let my bedside roses die.

depression, deuxième partie

my room is a mess,

my hair is not brushed,

my body aches with

the person that i could be,

the person that i should be.

i’m barely out of being a teenager,

i should not hurt so much,

but my heart beats too fast, too slow,

and my brain has turned to tv static mush.

yes, i napped at 2 pm,

what’s it all to you?

i went to work,

i did my job,

i came home.

my body begs to stay in bed,

but i fight those urges,

though feeling i’m better off dead.

so what if i nap?

i need my rest.

i can’t sleep at night no more,

it’s been long since i’ve been that blessed.

this isn’t the anemia

my doctor prescribed,

this is depression,

under he i hide.

no one will listen!

this isn’t my blood!

my brain has been decaying

since i was but a wee child.

i have issues piled on issues,

walls built on walls,

i don’t need an iron tablet,

i need an iron wall.

i need a therapist,

i need physical help,

can’t you see i’m falling to shreds?

hasn’t it been obvious from the start?

depression

i feel my energy draining,

like lava from a volcano.

it began to flow this morning,

out of my brain,

down my ashy, blackened rocks,

burning and heavy,

oozing so slowly that i could easily catch it

if i could.

i could catch it if my bucket

didn’t have holes.

i could catch it

if i could get out of bed.

but it oozes,

slimes it’s way out,

globbing itself into clumps

that hurt to bypass.

my will to continue

oozes with it.

my body is shutting down,

but not really,

it’s working harder to keep me

a well working machine

in this corporate world.

nobody wants a machine with no juice,

but that’s what i’ve been granted

for all of my life.

the world is running windows 10,

i am running.

but i can’t catch up.

my body tries and tries to work,

tries so hard to keep me in stasis,

but good someone,

i am exhausted.

stasis is exhausting when you can’t be static

because stasis leaves you on edge,

but you can’t be mobile

because you’re too exhausted to breathe.

my body is a decaying machine

and the mechanic moved twelve states away.

i lost my charger,

the cord’s broke anyways,

i’m stuck in hibernation mode

and no ctrl alt del can fix this.

i’m due for an upgrade,

but there’s nothing new to buy.

my motherboard is failing,

but don’t tell me goodbye.

death

i used to try

every night

to meet someone new

meet someone with a dark coat

hood pulled over eyes, over face,

holding a weapon as tall as he.

i would try

every night

because he was the one i knew

would not leave me.

he was the one

i could trust.

he was the one

i was not scared of.

he was the one

i craved.

not my girlfriend,

not my friends,

only him, only the one just out of grasp.

i’m scared of him now,

but i feel that it might be like

meeting an old friend, or

perhaps,

feeling alive again.

i’m terrified,

despite all that,

despite the scarred over memories of a

best friend that i never met.

i don’t want to die,

but he’s the only man i’ve ever trusted.

i don’t want to die,

but he’s the one thing that’s always there.

i don’t want to die,

but, someone save me,

i miss my friend.

my fall

gold.

white.

shimmer.

pearlescent gates, flowing clouds.

heaven.

is that me?

oh, i suppose it is!

white robes, interesting choice.

is that-is that god?

why is he-i thought it was just angels who-

i’m dead? okay, cool, what’s god do-why is he smiling?

why am i still moving towards him-what’s going on?

he wants me? after all that on earth, i was wrong?

he’s bigger in person. very calming-

why-

why is he frowning-

where is he going where did the light go why is it dark why am i

falling?

why am i falling, didnt god just want me?

what’s going on,

this hurts,

this hurts, where am i going,

i want my mom,

where’s my mom,

where’s anyone why am i falling

why am

where

it’s getting louder,

who is that?

who is screaming

why are they yelling

where did my clothes go

why am i falling

why is it brighter

why is it louder

why is it hotter

this hurts

i hate this

why

it’s so hot

these rocks are so hot

it’s so hot

it’s so loud

and crowded

but i’m all alone

it’s like walmart

but worse

it’s like walmart but

with sulphur.

and

and hounds with three heads

and

lava

and fire

and

no one

i’m alone

there’s screaming and swearing

but i’m alone

i’m naked

i’m crying

i’m alone

i’m hurting

i need my mom

i need my dad

where is everyone

why am i ALONE

why didn’t god want me

why did he do that

how could he do that

how dare he do that

i was a good human

i lived my whole FUCKING life

trying to be good

i lived in FEAR of this EXACT MOMENT

how DARE he do this to me

he’s supposed to love

he’s supposed to care

what about ME?

i didn’t get it on earth,

why should i in death, right?

what did i DO to be SO undeserving?

dammit,

god damn it all,

can’t even die correctly,

no,

i’m turning into one of them,

i’m sorry god,

i’m sorry i was never enough,

i’m sorry i’m the way i am,

i’m sorry i sinned

and took your name in vein

and loved women

and was not a cis woman

and was never a good catholic

or a good sister

or daughter

or anything

i’m sorry i didn’t live up to how you wanted

i’m sorry i couldn’t be what you wanted

i’m sorry i couldn’t believe in you as well as i should’ve

i’m sorry i can’t be there with you now

i’m sorry i couldn’t deal with the things you threw at me

i’m sorry i fucked up the great plan for me

i’m praying from hell,

a new low for you, right?

maybe not

i’m sorry i’m turning into someone that you despise

i’m sorry that i cant withstand this temptation

it hurts

so bad

but it feels so good

to be wanted.

it feels so good to

have someone who wants you.

it hurts

it burns

it stings

my blood is going sulphur

and it is screaming

every inch of me is screaming in agony

but oh, does it feel good to be wanted.

i hate every single second of this

i do not want to be here

i do not want to be a minion of lucifer

i do not.

i’m trying so hard to resist

so hard

please come get me

the trial is almost up

it’s so close

please

i don’t want this

i’m sorry

it hurts

please love me

i’m sorry

i’m s

3:34 am

lay with me

just this once.

just this one time.

just.

lay.

hold me close,

as though i’m slipping away

as quickly as i feel i am.

hold me close,

so my body has some sort of warmth.

hold me close,

just so i can feel you pressed against me.

just so i can feel your heartbeat

against mine,

feel your fingers

trace delicate patterns on my back,

breathe my lungs

full of your smell,

full of your love,

and exhale mine against your neck.

hold me close,

brush through my hair,

hold me close,

pull me close,

hold me,

breathe me,

love me close.

don’t speak.

let me enjoy this without regret.

look into my eyes,

smile softly,

tell me i’m the most wonderful boy you’ve ever seen.

tell me i’m the prettiest girl you’ve ever seen.

tell me i’m the best person you’ve ever seen.

brush my hair out of my face,

drape your arm over my shoulder,

being my face closer,

closer,

where did you go?

unrequited

i told you that i loved you

said you didn’t feel the same.

my soul, it left my body,

no words left in this brain,

my heart told me it’s over,

and the sobs, they overcame.

the moon saw me once more

pleading desperately to the stars,

wishing, hoping, for one more day

where you were more than just a scar.

the next day came, the sun, she rose.

my tears have stopped, supposedly so.

i wish i was yours, but that i’ve shared.

i’d much rather be friends than you not be there.

completely indulgent crowley pov poem

fire.

engulfing.

books burning,

left,

right,

up,

down,

all around me.

chopin plays on the turntable to my left,

perfect unity,

though the distortion

melts through the vinyl

like the pain of losing

my best friend

melts through the cold,

broken heart

that rests within me.

he was my better half

was.

the damned–

the damned.

i was damned,

doomed to fall,

fell miles and miles through heaven into hell,

banished,

now he, too,

damned.

damned to heaven,

his personal hell,

a place where i could never return.

god herself

cast me away,

cast me down,

down into the 7 layer dip that burns your tongue

and doesn’t go well with anything.

he’s damned.

i’m damned.

we’re damned together,

on opposite ends of damnation.

16

i was sixteen

i was suicidal

i wasn’t driving

i wasn’t a good person.

you were sixteen

you were dealing with your own baggage

you learned to drive

you could never be a bad person.

i should have talked to you then.

told you what was happening

should have told you

you might lose your best friend.

was i still your best friend?

we hadn’t talked in god knows how long,

but you were still the

closest

thing to friendship that i had.

my girlfriend was just as bad as me,

my new friend turned out to emotionally fuck me over,

i didn’t talk to you,

or the other two girls from our middle school,

i didn’t talk to anyone

except those who were bad for me,

because i deserved it

even though i didn’t really.

it was the self hatred talking.

i was sixteen

i was harming myself to feel good.

i needed to talk to you

but you were too good for me.