to the horseman i have yet to meet

dear death,

when my time arrives,

let it be quick.

i don’t want the suffering,

or the tears,

or the please don’t go’s.

i will already be terrified, saddened,

so take me gently,

caress my cheek,

hold my hand to the journey into afterlife

or tell me it will be okay if there is not one.

i have tried meeting you before,

but i never succeeded.

our time will come one day,

which i hope is in a very long time now.

thank you for not coming for me

when i was inducing myself

to a life (or lack there of) i was not prepared for.

i understand it is your job.

i understand you must do this.

but for me,

make it painless,

fearless,

gentle and calm.

let my loved ones cry,

though not in sorrow,

but in joy that i can live a better life in the great beyond.

no one ever asks you about the job,

so perhaps you could enlighten me on the trip?

i would love to know,

tell me your stories,

your guilt, or whatever it is you feel,

tell me everything.

i am your vessel when the fated day arrives,

fill my body accordingly

and, too, let my bedside roses die.

depression, deuxième partie

my room is a mess,

my hair is not brushed,

my body aches with

the person that i could be,

the person that i should be.

i’m barely out of being a teenager,

i should not hurt so much,

but my heart beats too fast, too slow,

and my brain has turned to tv static mush.

yes, i napped at 2 pm,

what’s it all to you?

i went to work,

i did my job,

i came home.

my body begs to stay in bed,

but i fight those urges,

though feeling i’m better off dead.

so what if i nap?

i need my rest.

i can’t sleep at night no more,

it’s been long since i’ve been that blessed.

this isn’t the anemia

my doctor prescribed,

this is depression,

under he i hide.

no one will listen!

this isn’t my blood!

my brain has been decaying

since i was but a wee child.

i have issues piled on issues,

walls built on walls,

i don’t need an iron tablet,

i need an iron wall.

i need a therapist,

i need physical help,

can’t you see i’m falling to shreds?

hasn’t it been obvious from the start?

depression

i feel my energy draining,

like lava from a volcano.

it began to flow this morning,

out of my brain,

down my ashy, blackened rocks,

burning and heavy,

oozing so slowly that i could easily catch it

if i could.

i could catch it if my bucket

didn’t have holes.

i could catch it

if i could get out of bed.

but it oozes,

slimes it’s way out,

globbing itself into clumps

that hurt to bypass.

my will to continue

oozes with it.

my body is shutting down,

but not really,

it’s working harder to keep me

a well working machine

in this corporate world.

nobody wants a machine with no juice,

but that’s what i’ve been granted

for all of my life.

the world is running windows 10,

i am running.

but i can’t catch up.

my body tries and tries to work,

tries so hard to keep me in stasis,

but good someone,

i am exhausted.

stasis is exhausting when you can’t be static

because stasis leaves you on edge,

but you can’t be mobile

because you’re too exhausted to breathe.

my body is a decaying machine

and the mechanic moved twelve states away.

i lost my charger,

the cord’s broke anyways,

i’m stuck in hibernation mode

and no ctrl alt del can fix this.

i’m due for an upgrade,

but there’s nothing new to buy.

my motherboard is failing,

but don’t tell me goodbye.

death

i used to try

every night

to meet someone new

meet someone with a dark coat

hood pulled over eyes, over face,

holding a weapon as tall as he.

i would try

every night

because he was the one i knew

would not leave me.

he was the one

i could trust.

he was the one

i was not scared of.

he was the one

i craved.

not my girlfriend,

not my friends,

only him, only the one just out of grasp.

i’m scared of him now,

but i feel that it might be like

meeting an old friend, or

perhaps,

feeling alive again.

i’m terrified,

despite all that,

despite the scarred over memories of a

best friend that i never met.

i don’t want to die,

but he’s the only man i’ve ever trusted.

i don’t want to die,

but he’s the one thing that’s always there.

i don’t want to die,

but, someone save me,

i miss my friend.

my fall

gold.

white.

shimmer.

pearlescent gates, flowing clouds.

heaven.

is that me?

oh, i suppose it is!

white robes, interesting choice.

is that-is that god?

why is he-i thought it was just angels who-

i’m dead? okay, cool, what’s god do-why is he smiling?

why am i still moving towards him-what’s going on?

he wants me? after all that on earth, i was wrong?

he’s bigger in person. very calming-

why-

why is he frowning-

where is he going where did the light go why is it dark why am i

falling?

why am i falling, didnt god just want me?

what’s going on,

this hurts,

this hurts, where am i going,

i want my mom,

where’s my mom,

where’s anyone why am i falling

why am

where

it’s getting louder,

who is that?

who is screaming

why are they yelling

where did my clothes go

why am i falling

why is it brighter

why is it louder

why is it hotter

this hurts

i hate this

why

it’s so hot

these rocks are so hot

it’s so hot

it’s so loud

and crowded

but i’m all alone

it’s like walmart

but worse

it’s like walmart but

with sulphur.

and

and hounds with three heads

and

lava

and fire

and

no one

i’m alone

there’s screaming and swearing

but i’m alone

i’m naked

i’m crying

i’m alone

i’m hurting

i need my mom

i need my dad

where is everyone

why am i ALONE

why didn’t god want me

why did he do that

how could he do that

how dare he do that

i was a good human

i lived my whole FUCKING life

trying to be good

i lived in FEAR of this EXACT MOMENT

how DARE he do this to me

he’s supposed to love

he’s supposed to care

what about ME?

i didn’t get it on earth,

why should i in death, right?

what did i DO to be SO undeserving?

dammit,

god damn it all,

can’t even die correctly,

no,

i’m turning into one of them,

i’m sorry god,

i’m sorry i was never enough,

i’m sorry i’m the way i am,

i’m sorry i sinned

and took your name in vein

and loved women

and was not a cis woman

and was never a good catholic

or a good sister

or daughter

or anything

i’m sorry i didn’t live up to how you wanted

i’m sorry i couldn’t be what you wanted

i’m sorry i couldn’t believe in you as well as i should’ve

i’m sorry i can’t be there with you now

i’m sorry i couldn’t deal with the things you threw at me

i’m sorry i fucked up the great plan for me

i’m praying from hell,

a new low for you, right?

maybe not

i’m sorry i’m turning into someone that you despise

i’m sorry that i cant withstand this temptation

it hurts

so bad

but it feels so good

to be wanted.

it feels so good to

have someone who wants you.

it hurts

it burns

it stings

my blood is going sulphur

and it is screaming

every inch of me is screaming in agony

but oh, does it feel good to be wanted.

i hate every single second of this

i do not want to be here

i do not want to be a minion of lucifer

i do not.

i’m trying so hard to resist

so hard

please come get me

the trial is almost up

it’s so close

please

i don’t want this

i’m sorry

it hurts

please love me

i’m sorry

i’m s

16

i was sixteen

i was suicidal

i wasn’t driving

i wasn’t a good person.

you were sixteen

you were dealing with your own baggage

you learned to drive

you could never be a bad person.

i should have talked to you then.

told you what was happening

should have told you

you might lose your best friend.

was i still your best friend?

we hadn’t talked in god knows how long,

but you were still the

closest

thing to friendship that i had.

my girlfriend was just as bad as me,

my new friend turned out to emotionally fuck me over,

i didn’t talk to you,

or the other two girls from our middle school,

i didn’t talk to anyone

except those who were bad for me,

because i deserved it

even though i didn’t really.

it was the self hatred talking.

i was sixteen

i was harming myself to feel good.

i needed to talk to you

but you were too good for me.

languid

it's happening again.
a once stable mind
turns to unbeatable blue.
blood runs red,
though feels like it's gray,
skin turns paler
than moonlight on the bay.
movement is heavy,
though so is the rest,
and even in slumber,
there's still weight in her chest.
there's no serotonin 
in this aging machine,
all the fuel pipes are clogging
and there's no room to clean.
her body grows cold,
though she's not left bed in three days,
she's pushing "i'm good!",
like a broken record, she plays.
the sunlight is too bright,
she wishes for a storm,
'cause sunlight leaves her longing, 
but with destruction, she reforms.
the clouds billow 'round her,
in the sky, in her mind,
the rain pours down heavy
for months at a time.
she feels somewhat like she's drowning,
but she doesn't remember how.
she's spent so long down under
that her body's giving way,
she's sinking, but she's floating,
not dying, but exploding.
wishing, begging,
to see the light again.
no, please!
not the tunnel, 
not the light right near the end.
but the tunnel is her home now, 
until sun comes again.