my fall

gold.

white.

shimmer.

pearlescent gates, flowing clouds.

heaven.

is that me?

oh, i suppose it is!

white robes, interesting choice.

is that-is that god?

why is he-i thought it was just angels who-

i’m dead? okay, cool, what’s god do-why is he smiling?

why am i still moving towards him-what’s going on?

he wants me? after all that on earth, i was wrong?

he’s bigger in person. very calming-

why-

why is he frowning-

where is he going where did the light go why is it dark why am i

falling?

why am i falling, didnt god just want me?

what’s going on,

this hurts,

this hurts, where am i going,

i want my mom,

where’s my mom,

where’s anyone why am i falling

why am

where

it’s getting louder,

who is that?

who is screaming

why are they yelling

where did my clothes go

why am i falling

why is it brighter

why is it louder

why is it hotter

this hurts

i hate this

why

it’s so hot

these rocks are so hot

it’s so hot

it’s so loud

and crowded

but i’m all alone

it’s like walmart

but worse

it’s like walmart but

with sulphur.

and

and hounds with three heads

and

lava

and fire

and

no one

i’m alone

there’s screaming and swearing

but i’m alone

i’m naked

i’m crying

i’m alone

i’m hurting

i need my mom

i need my dad

where is everyone

why am i ALONE

why didn’t god want me

why did he do that

how could he do that

how dare he do that

i was a good human

i lived my whole FUCKING life

trying to be good

i lived in FEAR of this EXACT MOMENT

how DARE he do this to me

he’s supposed to love

he’s supposed to care

what about ME?

i didn’t get it on earth,

why should i in death, right?

what did i DO to be SO undeserving?

dammit,

god damn it all,

can’t even die correctly,

no,

i’m turning into one of them,

i’m sorry god,

i’m sorry i was never enough,

i’m sorry i’m the way i am,

i’m sorry i sinned

and took your name in vein

and loved women

and was not a cis woman

and was never a good catholic

or a good sister

or daughter

or anything

i’m sorry i didn’t live up to how you wanted

i’m sorry i couldn’t be what you wanted

i’m sorry i couldn’t believe in you as well as i should’ve

i’m sorry i can’t be there with you now

i’m sorry i couldn’t deal with the things you threw at me

i’m sorry i fucked up the great plan for me

i’m praying from hell,

a new low for you, right?

maybe not

i’m sorry i’m turning into someone that you despise

i’m sorry that i cant withstand this temptation

it hurts

so bad

but it feels so good

to be wanted.

it feels so good to

have someone who wants you.

it hurts

it burns

it stings

my blood is going sulphur

and it is screaming

every inch of me is screaming in agony

but oh, does it feel good to be wanted.

i hate every single second of this

i do not want to be here

i do not want to be a minion of lucifer

i do not.

i’m trying so hard to resist

so hard

please come get me

the trial is almost up

it’s so close

please

i don’t want this

i’m sorry

it hurts

please love me

please love me

i’m sorry

i’m s